Actually, I have written this post a few days back.. But I was not sure if wanted to publish it as it is very personal in nature. But finally I decided to take the plunge and here you go…
I never used to enjoy anything.. and I also used to feel guilty after doing something for myself!!
People around me seemed to feel that I am enjoying things. I think, I had become a fabulous actor in pretending that I am enjoying stuff and I am very happy. No one ever doubted that I am all alone despite having so much rush around me.. and I guess that’s the certificate of my acting abilities.. I had become so habitual to putting on the enjoying or happy looking mask that I even forgot that its ok to be sad, its ok to not to enjoy things when others are enjoying and above all I even forgot that its ok to do something for myself without feeling guilty. Being happy always, being the source of motivation or being the supporting voice for everyone had become the obligation for me. Over the years I seemed to have lost my right to express my sadness, loneliness feelings.. Everyone would come to me, share his/her feelings, problems and would expect some solution from me.. but no one ever realized that I have problems too.. I also need someone to help me, support me. I always needed someone, who could just say, go fight, I am with you.. Do not worry if you loose, I will still be with you..
The result, I had become too cautious, I almost lost the ability to take risks, I started feeling guilty for doing things for myself and above all I stopped enjoying things and become kind of introvert. I had spent quite a few days or even months in such a situation.. I was in depression and still no body knew.. no one ever realized.. I guess I have learnt this art from my Uncle.. He always used to seem happy to others no matter how worse the conditions are.. He suffered three accidents in his short life of 45 years.. Many times he used to be in immense pain.. but for others in our family, the patients (he was a doctor) he immediately would get off the bed and treat them smilingly.. I used to wonder where his immense pain has gone.. and I witnessed quite a few such moments.. One of the greatest things he taught me was to fight until the last breathe.. And this helped me break the shackles of depression. I came out strong and with the willpower to fight without anyone’s support. I learnt to find solace with myself. I learnt to motivate myself and others around me. And I developed the “never say die” attitude..
Its after getting the job, I learnt to take calculated risks. I learnt that its ok to make mistakes, just you need to learn from them and avoid them the next time. I realized that my opinion is important and I learnt to voice my opinion, I realized that I am worth something, I learnt to respect myself. And its all because of the great bosses I have got..
With my friend’s help, I started understanding the meaning of enjoyment. I realized that to enjoy you do not need anything big or significant. One can enjoy simply by spending time with oneself, chatting with friends, doing something one loves doing and many more such things..
I guess, its not that I was not enjoying things.. my definition of enjoyment was wrong or I have not correctly understood what enjoyment really is.. Now, I have started enjoying many things like cooking, chatting with friends, photography, the beautiful climate here, my work and many other things..
Actually, I am now learning to enjoy every moment of my life and that too without feeling guilty!!
I never used to enjoy anything.. and I also used to feel guilty after doing something for myself!!
People around me seemed to feel that I am enjoying things. I think, I had become a fabulous actor in pretending that I am enjoying stuff and I am very happy. No one ever doubted that I am all alone despite having so much rush around me.. and I guess that’s the certificate of my acting abilities.. I had become so habitual to putting on the enjoying or happy looking mask that I even forgot that its ok to be sad, its ok to not to enjoy things when others are enjoying and above all I even forgot that its ok to do something for myself without feeling guilty. Being happy always, being the source of motivation or being the supporting voice for everyone had become the obligation for me. Over the years I seemed to have lost my right to express my sadness, loneliness feelings.. Everyone would come to me, share his/her feelings, problems and would expect some solution from me.. but no one ever realized that I have problems too.. I also need someone to help me, support me. I always needed someone, who could just say, go fight, I am with you.. Do not worry if you loose, I will still be with you..
The result, I had become too cautious, I almost lost the ability to take risks, I started feeling guilty for doing things for myself and above all I stopped enjoying things and become kind of introvert. I had spent quite a few days or even months in such a situation.. I was in depression and still no body knew.. no one ever realized.. I guess I have learnt this art from my Uncle.. He always used to seem happy to others no matter how worse the conditions are.. He suffered three accidents in his short life of 45 years.. Many times he used to be in immense pain.. but for others in our family, the patients (he was a doctor) he immediately would get off the bed and treat them smilingly.. I used to wonder where his immense pain has gone.. and I witnessed quite a few such moments.. One of the greatest things he taught me was to fight until the last breathe.. And this helped me break the shackles of depression. I came out strong and with the willpower to fight without anyone’s support. I learnt to find solace with myself. I learnt to motivate myself and others around me. And I developed the “never say die” attitude..
Its after getting the job, I learnt to take calculated risks. I learnt that its ok to make mistakes, just you need to learn from them and avoid them the next time. I realized that my opinion is important and I learnt to voice my opinion, I realized that I am worth something, I learnt to respect myself. And its all because of the great bosses I have got..
With my friend’s help, I started understanding the meaning of enjoyment. I realized that to enjoy you do not need anything big or significant. One can enjoy simply by spending time with oneself, chatting with friends, doing something one loves doing and many more such things..
I guess, its not that I was not enjoying things.. my definition of enjoyment was wrong or I have not correctly understood what enjoyment really is.. Now, I have started enjoying many things like cooking, chatting with friends, photography, the beautiful climate here, my work and many other things..
Actually, I am now learning to enjoy every moment of my life and that too without feeling guilty!!
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